Fathers Day "Humor While We Wait"

Written by Kids!!

1.  HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?   (written by kids)   

You  got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if  you like sports, she should like it that you like  sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.   
--  Alan, age 10 

-No  person really decides before they grow up who they're  going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you  get to find out later who you're stuck with.   
--  Kristen, age  10   

2.  WHAT IS  THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?   
Twenty-three is the best age because you know  the person FOREVER by then.  --   Camille, age 10 

3.  HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?   
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be  yelling at the same kids. 
--  Derrick, age  8   

4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN  COMMON?   
Both don't want any more kids.    
--  Lori,  age 8   

5.  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?   
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys  have something to say if you listen long enough.   --  Lynnette, age  8    (isn't  she a treasure) 

-On  the first date, they just tell each other lies and that  usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.   --  Martin, age  10   

6.  WHEN IS  IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?    
-When  they're rich.    --  Pam, age  7 

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to  mess with that.   -  - Curt, age   7

-The  rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you  should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.     -  - Howard,  age 8   

7.    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?   
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.  
--  Anita, age 9   (bless you child )  

8.  HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T  GET MARRIED?    
There  sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?  
--  Kelvin, age 8   

And the #1 Favorite is .......   

9.  HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?    
Tell  your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like  a dump truck. --  Ricky, age 10   

A Lesson in Fatherhood

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

There is something about babyness that brings out the softness in people and makes them want to hug and protect this small thing that moves and dribbles and produces what we poetically call poopoo.

The arrival of a baby coincides with the departure of our minds.

She was a college graduate, a child psychology major with a B-plus average, which means, if you ask her a question about a child’s behavior, she will give you eighty-five percent of the answer.

We were well prepared for natural childbirth, which means that no drugs can be given to the female during delivery. The father, however, can have all he wants.

Like every man, of course, I had no understanding of how a labor pain really feels. Carol Burnett said, “If you want to know the feeling, just take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.”

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Except for the cost of the child, which my lead you to consider joining organized crime, fathering is easier today than it was when I began.

You know why John D. Rockefeller had all that money? Because he had only one child, so he didn't have to spend ninety thousand dollars on Snoopy pens and Superhero mugs and Smurf pajamas and Barbie Ferraris.

Calvin (Klein) is the slick operator who sells your kids things for eighty-five dollars that cost seven at Sears. He has created millions of tiny snobs, children who look disdainfully at you and say, “Nothing from Sears.”

The two most important things to the American female are man’s prevention of nuclear war and man’s putting the toilet seat down.

Mothers who have experience in the trenches of family warfare are sometimes even driven to what I call anticipatory parenting. They ask a child a question, he tries to answer, and they say, “You shut up! When I ask you a question, you keep your mouth shut! You think I'm talking to hear myself talk? Answer me!”

I am not a physicist, but I'm sure that the theory of the conservation of energy was discovered while watching an eight-year-old pretend to work.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was “Don’t.”

To be fair, however, I must admit that from time to time children do like to share with siblings. For example, once in a while a brother will try to remove his sister’s arm so he can play with it.

For the last nine million years, ever since the first child crawled out of the slime [where his mother had told him not to play] ...

This is a boy whose mind goes out of neutral only when giving reasons why he didn’t turn in his work on time.

My son, who was twelve at the time, had sent me on a trip to the end of my rope. He had taken up a new hobby: lying; and he was doing it so well that he was raising it to an art.

The American father cannot be trusted to put together combinations of clothes. He is a man who was taught that the height of fashion was to wear two shoes that matched.

I use the word idiot only in the narrow automotive sense, for my daughter is one of the brightest people her school has ever seen avoid work.

In spite of all the scientific knowledge to date, I have to say that the human animal cannot be the most intelligent one on earth because he is the only one who allows his offspring to come back home.

Look at anything that gives birth: eventually it will run and hide. After a while, even a mother elephant will run away from its child and hide. And when you consider how hard it is for a mother elephant to hide, you can appreciate the depth of her motivation.

I was wrong when I said that the big expense for you would be buying a car. Let us now discuss the cost of college – unless you would rather do something more pleasant, like have root canal work.

Things I've Learned From My Boys (Honest and Not Kidding)

This is priceless....lol...Happy Fathers Day

The following came from an anonymous parent in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
 
Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control

"Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  IT Help Desk Problem Request  (From Recaps Archives)

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her partner) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

 *******************

Mot:  They Say to Eat Healthy sooo I Sat Down and Figured this out!! ~~~

Mot:  .... LOL - Me Too!! ------

Mot:  Yeppers! - Even More Tips as You beome Seasoned! ~~~

Mot: - LOL - Member When!! ~~~~~

Mot:  . Now We Knows!!! ~~~~

Mot:  Insight Fur Ya If you Wants a Furry Pet! ~~~

Humor While We Wait: "How Asparagus Got It's Name"

Humor While We Wait: 

HOW ASPARAGUS GOT ITS NAME
 
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote;

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.
 
Then God made the world.
 
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
 
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
 
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
 
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
 
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
 
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
 
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
 
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
 
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')
 
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
 
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
 
  Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
 
(Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this, but if you do forward this delightful story you'll make someone LAUGH today, and they'll keep spreading the laughter by sending it on!!)

Saturday Night "Kicks and Grins " Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence... the rest of the year went very smoothly :)

Mot:  WE ARE A GENERATION THAT WILL NEVER COME BACK..........

A generation that walked to school and then walked back.
A generation that did their homework alone to get out asap to play in the street.
A generation that spent all their free time on the street with their Friends.
A generation that played hide and seek when dark.
A generation that made mud cakes.
A generation that collected sports cards.
A generation that found, collected and washed & Returned empty coke bottles to the local grocery store for 5 cents each , then bought a Mountain Dew and candy bar with the money.
A generation that made paper toys with their bare hands.
A generation who bought vinyl albums to play on record players.
A generation that collected photos and albums of clippings.
A generation that played board games and cards on rainy days.
A generation whose TV went off at midnight after playing the National Anthem.
A generation that had parents who were there.
A generation that laughed under the covers in bed so parents didn't know we were still awake.
A generation that is passing and unfortunately it will never return!!..
I loved Growing up when I did.

Mot:  Uh Oh! . A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” ...

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve, and they had children, and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later, the curious girl asked her father the same question.

“Many years ago,” the father answered, “there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother. “Mommy, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,” she said, “and Daddy said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Mot:  Listen To Lee Greenwood’s New Rendition of ‘God Bless the U.S.A.’ .......................

Home Free - God Bless the U.S.A. (featuring Lee Greenwood and The United States Air Force Band)

https://youtu.be/SrMftm6Km3g

Mot:  .. Member When!! ~~~~

Mot:  . More insight into the ""Marital"" Thingy! ~

Saturday Night "Kicks and Grins" While We Wait

Those Questions No One Can Answer

Why does rain drop and snow falls?

What disease did cured ham have?

What's the difference between unique and very unique?

We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they still call it a hearing?

What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan?

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say?

If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stands on all four feet? They're both dogs.

Why does "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?

Why do they call it a rest room when you’re not there to rest?

Why do they call it a tooth brush and not a teeth brush?

Why is it a flock of birds but a gaggle of geese?

Why do the call a rabbits foot lucky? not lucky for the rabbit and he had 4.

**********

A Good Deed

A man tries to enter heaven but there are some criteria to be met before entry is allowed. St. Peter asked several questions. Was he religious in life? Did he attend church? Was he generous? Did he give money to the poor, to charities? Did he do any good deeds? Did he help his neighbor?

The man answered each question, "No".

Exasperated, St. Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Now think!"

The man says, "I came out of a store and found a little old lady surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and got her purse back.

I helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then I spit in his face."

"Wow, said St. Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about ten minutes ago"

TNT:

Mot:  ... More Insight into the Marital Thingy! ~~~~wife not talking

Mot: . and Yet Even More Insight into that Marital Thingy!! ~~

Friday Night "Chuckles" While We Wait

From Recaps Archives

A Mother's Dictionary

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning

"BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-m‚chÈ volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends."

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMMY!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Humor While We Wait....and Wait...and Wait.....Posted by Mot

TNT:

Mot: A man and woman were married for many years.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.   

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98.

After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you  afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt  you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig.  I had  him buried upside down... And I know he won't ask for directions."

Mot:  Aaaaaahhhhhhh - the Joy of Becoming More Seasoned! ~~

This is what all of you 70+ year-old's have to look forward to:

This is something that happened in an Aged Care Centre. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.

One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK.

She could hear him through the door He said that he was running late, and would be down shortly, so she went back to the Dining area.

An hour later, he still hadn't arrived; so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs.

He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain, and just wanted to have his breakfast.

So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

******************

Mot:  You can Always Count on ""Fred"" ~~~

Mot: and then She Said! ~~~~~~

Mot:  .. Yet Another Clever ""Dieting Tip"" - from Mot of Course! ~

Mot: .... Kids Beware!!! ~~~~~

"Saturday Night Chuckles" Posted by Mot at TNT

Mot: You Might Be a Redneck if: ~~~~ (from Jeff )

Y'all getting some yard work done this weekend?

 You Might Be a Redneck if:

 you think people with grass in their yards are uppity.

the engine hanging in your yard is newer than the one in your car.

you repaint the pink flamingos in the front yard every spring.

you've ever rolled a riding lawn mower.

you've ever use the Weed Eater indoors, too.

Mot: Wellll - I've Been Planing This Road Trip fer a Loooong Time You See – and

Mot: . Yeppers! - Good to Go fer Sure I Am! ~~~snow white

Mot: exactly What You Run into When Trying to Get Your First Job! ~~~~~

Mot:   Yet another - ""Uh OH"" when Raising the ""Wee Folks"" ~~~~~~

Mot:  Amazing - Two Ladies Met on da Plane! ~~

Mot : Lunch with Her Friend! ~~~

Some of Sabickford's Greatest Hits!!

Some of Sabickford’s Greatest Hits

I'm not much on Seizing the Day, I just poke at it with a stick.

I swear some people need a stamp on their forehead saying "DON"T REPRODUCE"

My bank has a new service where they text you your balance. It's cool, I just don't think they should add "LOL" at the end

If Being sarcastic burned calories, I'd be transparent by now.

“I need to talk to you!!" These six words have the ability to make you instantly recall every bad thing you have ever done, and some you didn't

You know it's been a good day when you didn't have to unleash the flying monkeys.

Don't be afraid of being outnumbered. Remember Eagles fly alone. Pigeons flock together.

They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

I realized I was an aggressive driver when my 4 year old yelled " Pick A Lane, Idiot!" From the seat in the Grocery Cart.

Water is the most essential element of life, because without water you can't make Coffee.

Relationships are like a walk in the park- Jurassic park

The hardest part of parenting is trying to fake mad when your kid does something bad but Hilarious.

My soulmate is out there somewhere, pushing a pull door. I just know it.

Now they've invented a pregnancy test with a curved handle so you don't get pee on your hands. Listen, if you aren't ready to get pee on your hands, you definitely NOT ready for Motherhood.

Our town was so small the we didn't have a town Drunk, So we all took turns.

 Look, I'm trying to Rant Here. Stop interrupting me with Facts and Reason

Not to Brag.. I don't even need alcohol to make bad decisions.

I am fluent in three languages…English, Sarcasm, and Profanity

My Morning coffee makes me feel like I have my stuff together. I don't. But it makes me feel like I do.

My son asked me to explain women to him, SO I bought him a Xbox game for his PlayStation.

I don't need someone who sees the good in me. I need someone who sees the Bad and still wants me.

You are going to be Fine. You come from a long line of Lunatics.

I think I need professional Help. A Chef, A Butler and A Maid should do it.

In a packed Elevator, everyone is silent. Stomach: I will now Demonstrate the Mating call of a Whale.

If you line up all your Ex's in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental Illness.

Don't use the Bathroom in your dream…It's a Setup!!!

Before you ask me to babysit I think you should know that I think kids are super funny when they're drunk.

Eggs are fantastic for a fitness Diet. Don't like the taste? Add cocoa, butter, flour, sugar & butter. Bake 30 Min.

Got emotions? There's Alcohol for that.

And then alcohol said "put that on Facebook, it's hilarious". But alcohol was wrong, So Very wrong.

Sometimes it's just more fun to take the low road.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Some things are better left unsaid. Which I realize right after I have said them.

Someone offered me grapes but I declined. I'm not used to taking wine in pill form.

I'm not Cheap, but I am on special this week.

That awkward moment when you're singing a song you often sang as a child - and you suddenly understand the lyrics.

Judging by the looks of my hair this morning, I think I may be a Muppet.

Shout out to everyone who got through the day without taking a nap. Pulled a All-Dayer! Pretty Cool!

I think way too many people have been drinking from the Fountain of Stupid

Well what day will you have time for my shenanigans?

Lieabetes (Lie-a-bee-tees) -noun- A serious affliction some people suffer from that prevents them from being able to tell the truth regardless of the situation.

I Planned to take over the world, But I'm Tired

I found some things to do today. They're called mimosas

Wine-O-Lympics Everyone's a winner in these games

The revised Serenity Prayer…God grant me the strength to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the devoted friends who will post bail money when I snap.

Redneck word of the Week Twerk….Imma have two more beers then it's back to TWERK

This antidepressant works best if you take it with water lapping near your hammock on a Caribbean beach.

I've expanded my skills. I can now forget what I'm doing while I'm actually doing it.

I never thought I would be the kind of person that would get up early to exercise. I was right.

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I'm quite clearly dilly dallying

You can exercise all you want but you'll never going to burn that crazy off.

IMMATURE: A word often used by extremely boring people to describe fun people.

At Times I'm Grateful that thoughts don't appear in bubbles over our heads.

New disease “Idiotitis” the brain shuts down but the mouth keeps talking……..

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”-George Carlin

I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

That mmoent you mqke a post and u relise that u speled half the words rong and u lok stupid.

Before you try to hurt my feelings, Take into account that I don't have any, and you probably do.

When a Woman says "Correct me if I'm Wrong." Do not under any, I mean ANY Circumstances do it!!

You are dust and will return to dust…That's why I don't dust. It might be someone I Know.

Dear Santa, I've been good all year. Most of the time. Once in awhile. Never Mind I'll buy my own stuff.

To the teenager who flipped me off for honking at them, Your Cell Phone is on top of your car!

After winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently this is unacceptable in Bowling.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12 and my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

I've been A lot of places but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've never been in Cognito either. I hear nobody recognizes you there. I have however been in Sane, They don't have an airport there, you have to be driven. I have made several Trips.

I picked up a Hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked " Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the one car are astronomical.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 sec. in my head, That'll freak you right out!!!

Sign On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Sign In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

Sign In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait”.

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”.

Sign Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

I asked my Grandpa, "After 65 years you still call Grandma Darling, Beautiful, and Honey. What's the secret?" He said "I Forgot her name 5 Years ago and I'm Afraid to ask her!"

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, You are probably holding the Taser wrong.

Last night, my neighbor came home drunk & banged on his own door for 5 Min. Problem is, he lives alone. I went over and told him He wasn't there, so he left.

I told my Job that 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise. My Boss asked what companies? I said Power, Electric, and Gas.

So Many Village Idiots - So Few Dragons!

Today, I will be as Useless as the "G" in Lasagna.

Friend: Could you be any more annoying? Me: I've been waiting my whole life for this question…Yes, Oh God, YES!!!

Good Morning Today's Monday and I have no words to describe this day. I do, However, I have TONS of Obscene Gestures.

Why must I prove who I am in order to pay my bills over the phone? So Strangers call to pay my bills? And if they do why don't you let them?

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what's going on, and now I have to Pee.

I'm still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age. Anyone Else?

What's That? You heard a bunch of stories from someone who Hates Me? That Stuff MUST Be True!

Interviewer: "So Tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not, I kind of need this job."

I have done terrible things for money….like get up early and go to work!

OMG, I'm Rich!! Silver in my hair, Gold in my teeth, crystals in the Kidneys, sugar in the blood, Lead ************ Iron in the Blood and an inexhaustible supply of natural gas. I never thought I would accumulate such wealth!

Have a Great Weekend and don’t forget to laugh!!

"We're All In This Together" by Dr. Dinar

Thank you Dr. Dinar

We're All In This Together by Dr. Dinar

Okay, so where are we now.

Where exactly do we stand in this seemingly never ending journey to the GCR.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea.

And as far as I can tell, nobody else really knows either.

Yes, they continually give their best guesses but time and time again, these guesstimations are anything but correct.

Not to fault them.

After all, they're doing the best they can with what they have to work with.

Having said that, and as much as I'd love to know how close to the finish line we truly are, it makes complete sense that nobody knows the date.

Nor the rate.

For some reason that still doesn't prevent me from wanting just an inkling of info in regards to where we are on the Checklist To Completion.

If such a thing exists. Which I highly doubt it does.

Sure, they have things that need to get be accomplished.

But it always seems as if while they're working on one thing, two other must completes pop up in the meantime.

So with the one forward, two back routine always seemingly in play, how are we ever supposed to reach a conclusion.

All we can do is continue to hope that eventually circumstances will dictate that things must make a change, otherwise everybody loses.

And if you're anything like me, that script-flip can't come a minute too soon.

I recently had cause to reflect on a time when things were so much simpler.

A time when all we were dealing with was the RV of the IQD.

It was a two day trip, two weeks at the most.

We'd done the research, endlessly scowered the map, we couldn't have been better prepared.

All of our gear in order, everything laid out in front of us, To Go bag by the door.

What could possibly go wrong.

Well, as it turns out, quite a few things could go wrong. And did.

First of which was getting banned from one of the very few (at the time) reliable RV sites.

For the second time no less.

Why was I banned?

Well, silly me.

Who knew you weren't allowed to speak your mind.

To give your opinion.

To question authority.

After all, it was an open Forum format, was it not.

Apparently, contrary to popular belief, it was not.

So, after experiencing my second banishment, I determined that if I was to remain connected to the going's on in Dinarland, it was I and not them that was going to have to make a few changes.

With that in mind, I decided it was best to take on an entirely new persona, as well as a new demeanor, if I had any hopes at all of staying connected.

And staying connected, for me, was Job #1.

Armed with a new identity, as well as a new email address, I gave it the ol' college try.

Fortunately for me, the third time was the charm.

I was, as they say, in like Flynn. Whomever Flynn is.

Back in the know.

Back in with the in crowd as it were.

Up close and personal with all the best intel.

Or so I was led to believe anyway.

And you better believe I wasn't going to question it.

Nope, not this time.

I quietly sat in the back of the room, training myself to become a great listener.

As time rolled on I did become just a bit more vocal, connecting with those I resonated with, but I also paid more attention to keeping my questions, as well as my opinions, under wraps.

I will add that at the time I was also connected to a couple other private situations which afforded me an even better glimpse into the supposed behind the scenes happenings .

Keeping in mind that this was a decade or so ago and as it turns out we really hadn't a clue as to what was going on.

Not as far as the GCR was concerned anyway.

The GCR was never really spoken of, and if it was, it was only in the context of something else that was in the works but it in no way would have any affect on the RV.

What I will say though is the history lessons I received while attending those other classes was and is something I'll always be grateful for.

They served as the concrete that created my unwavering foundation, solid in the knowing that this entire GCR thing really is real.

Knowing the initial reasoning behind the RV itself, who some of the major players were, and why they were there really helps to make sense of so much of what we see today, all these years later.

Although most of the folks I've connected with throughout the years have chosen their own ways of making it through to the finish line, at the end of the day we're all heading in the same direction.

Not necessarily in the same boat, but most definitely on the same river.

I'm willing to bet that nobody that has been involved in this endeavor over 5 years ever thought things would go this way.

That it would take this long.

With so many crazy twists and turns.

That so many last broke Friday's would fall by the wayside, leaving us with far too many still broke Monday's.

Yet, here we are and it is what it is.

Nothing we can do about all the time that has passed other than cherish the Economics education we've received, as well as the like-minded friends we've made along the way.

At this point in the game, from here on out we're all paddling down the same river, heading for the same destination.

All of us looking forward to the day we can reach the shore, exchange our paddles for Porsche's (or whatever flavor of fun you desire), and move on to the life of our dreams.

Until then, please continue to do your best to hang in there.

And whatever you do... KEEP ON PADDLIN'!

Remember, we're all in this together.

Kindly,

Dr. Dinar

Disclaimer; I'm not a Wealth Manager, Financial Advisor, CPA, Tax Attorney, RV/GCR Committee member, nor am I the owner of a canoe, nor a banjo for that matter. I'm simply someone that chooses to believe in the power of positive thinking and on the odd chance this thing truly is real, I want to make sure I'm there at the finish line to enjoy it.

From Dinar Recaps Archives