Sunday Night "Humor While We Wait...and Wait...and Wait Some More......."

“Quotes from Maxine….Life, Love and Losers”

“I just tried to book a makeover.  They said they’d call me when the parts come in!”

“My brain’s not on vacation anymore…but it does seem to be considering an early retirement!”

“Your golden years are a time to start asking yourself life’s big questions…Like, “Now why did I come into this room? I knew a minute ago!”

“I’ve got the ergonomic office chair…but, this job’s still a pain in the butte!”

“When the going gets tough……eat more fiber!”

“Going to work would be easier if I stayed in bed for a living!”

“Let your conscience by your guide……and you will never have any fun!”

“Ever get your fast food, and kinda wish they’d taken their time?”

“I tried getting away from it all…most of it followed me!”

“Every once in a while the girls get together for a brunch…that’s a cross between a brawl and a punch!”

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore indefinitely!”

“I have an 8 to 5 job….Unfortunately it comes with a 10 to 2 paycheck!”

“ I work in a big office…..The conference room sleeps thirty!”

“They say that truth is inside you….That must be what’s giving acid reflux!”

“The Journey of 10 feet begins with a single “Where’s the $#%&^*!@ remote!”

“You can lead a horse to water…If you want the water to smell like horse for the rest of the day!”

“I applied for a loan, but the bank had zero percent interest.”

“In life there’s no free lunch…Unless you crash a wedding reception…then there’s free cake and booze too!”

“Reach for the stars….It keeps your chest from sagging!”

“I love soap operas…They make me feel so….what’s the word-Normal!”

“Love is in the air…in case you are wondering what that smell was!”

“Catch and release” is pretty much my policy when it comes to dating too!”

“The women in romance novels ought to throw a fit instead of heaving a bosom!”

“Romantic gestures are not my speciality…..driving gestures….sure!”

“If men are from Mars,  we need to find the bozo who supplied them with spaceships!”

“Looking for a hot date?  Pick any date in August…They don’t get much hotter than that!”

“I like to think of make-up as just another way to lie to men!”

“I’m what they call a “natural woman”….which just means “Not rich enough to get implants!”

“Men are only good for one thing…but, then you have to feed them between car repairs!”

“They say it’s not over till it’s over….Wow, I wonder how long it took ‘em to figure that one out?”

“A single red rose says, “I love you” ….a window box of headless carnations says “Keep your dog in your own yard!”

“My boss asked me to take an anger management class this year…I told him I’m angry enough with management as it is!”

“You can tell Hollywood is full of environmentalists…they keep recycling the same plots!”

“Interesting coincidence…I have firewood, and the neighbor is missing an Adirondack chair!”

“I keep a well stock pantry in case friends drop by….I could hide in there for days!”

“I’m not sure that good things come to those who wait….but, I’ve noticed that bad things happen to people who cut in front of me in the express lane!”

“Instead of blogging about your life…try getting one!”

“Personally, I think conservatives and liberals should move toward the middle of the road….Makes it easier to run ‘em over!”

“It’s tough being a Congressman….try patting yourself on the back with both hands in constituents pockets!”

“ All my co-workers have great tans….Especially on their noses!”

“Riding the bus saves gas and helps the environment…plus, what other mode of transportation gives you so many chances to tell people where to get off?”

“ The only thing worse then seein’ a baseball player scratch himself on TV, is knowing he probably earned a couple grand while doing it!”

“The early worm may get the worm…but the night owl gets the tequila!”

TNT:

Mot:  Amazing how Things Change and Sooo Fast too at Times! ~~~~~

Mot: .. UH OH ..... as Ya get More and More Seasoned!! ~~

Mot:  ..... OOOOOpppssie!!! ~~~~~~

"Keep Beleivin' In The Unbeleivable" by Dr. Dinar

From Recaps Archives

Keep Believin' In The Unbelievable!

by Dr. Dinar

Sheesh. They can put a man on the Moon. Or at least we think they can anyway.

Could've been Hollywood magicification for all we know.

Without a doubt the lighting situation was highly suspect.

But let's go ahead and give 'em the benefit of the doubt, just for the sake of discussion.

What we do know is they can put shampoo and conditioner in the same bottle.

Well, according to the label anyway.

Even if we're unable to see inside the bottle itself, that much we can see.

However, based on the results, it certainly appears we're being fed some serious misdisinfo.

Would the shampoo company intentionally deceive us?

Naw... they wouldn't do that.

Or would they.

The all-in-one results certainly aren't anything even close to those derived from implementing them in a two-step process. Shampoo first, then conditioner.

Matter of fact it almost feels (and looks) as if there's been no conditioner applied whatsoever.

Once again, we're left with two options. Believe or don't believe.

Moving on, let's go with something a bit more visible. Like a sandwich.

We know they can put peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.

How do we know that? Because we can see it.

Yes, thanks to something as simple as a clear glass jar, we're able to see the two key ingredients in all their swirlicious glory.

We know what Peanut Butter looks like. We know what Jelly looks like.

Especially when both are applied to two separate slices of bread.

Both easily recognizable, totally different colors as well as tastes.

So when you see them both swirlified in the same clear glass jar, it's pretty much a no-brainer.

No need to be a believer in the unseen, the evidence is unmistakably clear.

So it only stands to reason that if they can do all of those things, then why on Earth can't they get this GCR done.

Yeah, yeah, I get it. This is a biggie.

A never previously been attempted, once in anybody's lifetime, one for the history books, global sized event.

Yet, isn't that exactly why they assigned this task to only the most intelligent folks on the planet.

If it were up to me and my goal was to make this GCR thing happen, I know I would do everything possible to ensure I had assembled the best Team available. Wouldn't you?

Isn't that sort of Rule No.1, hire those more intelligent than yourself.

It only makes sense.

Keeping all that in mind, we also have endless amounts of trendsetting technology at our fingertips.

From talking clones to flying drones, without a doubt we're wise beyond on years.

And still, with all that at their disposal, they still can't seem to get this done.

We're constantly being told that they've been working on getting this thing done for the past fartoomany years.

However, with no visible proof, one can't help but begin to wonder if this thing truly is getting done.

As in making forward progress of any sort.

Not to point fingers but if any of us were to be appointed to a similar position, we'd have been fired long ago.

And rightfully so.

After all, you're hired for one reason. To do a job.

One job. Complete a desired task.

Basically, to git 'r done.

And I don't know about you but from where I stand, they ain't got it done.

Not yet anyway.

Close? Maybe. But done?? Not so much.

I don't care how many hundreds of times I hear "It's done... we're just waiting for the release."

Until they release it, it ain't done.

Until it's liquid and spendable, it ain't done.

Until I can buy groceries and pay the electric bill to keep those groceries cold in the fridge, it ain't done.

Until I can buy the groceries for the person behind me in the grocery store line, it ain't done.

So please, if you're one of those continually saying "It's done, but... .", please check to see how important that add-on but is.

I believe you'll come to find that one little but makes all the difference.

Which brings me back to my original thought.

That being if any of us were in charge of getting it done, regardless of what "it" is, yet we continually fell short in accomplishing our goal, we'd surely be excused from our place of employment.

And our replacement would be hired (or recharged, depending on if we were to be replaced by a Robot or not) post haste.

Hmmmmm... replacement. That's it!

What if we seek out replacements for whomever the heck it is that's responsible for completing this task.

Whomever's job it is to make this RV / GCR thing happen. To git 'r done.

The one's that don't appear to be getting it done. Yeah, them folks.

Would it be a group such as the A-Team, with all of their battle-hardened skills?

Or a bunch such as Charlie's Angels, with their super-stealthish abilities among their many attributes.

Surely they could get the job done.

And no, I didn't refer to any of them as Shirley.

Heck, at this point I wouldn't care if it was The Brady Bunch.

As long as we're assured they're on our side and want the best for humanity, I'm okay with it.

But wait. Let's think about this for a second.

What if I'm wr... wro... mistaken in my thought process.

What if the people assigned to completing this task actually do want it done.

What if they are in fact doing their very best to get it released.

What if they are indeed on the good side, wanting the best for humanity.

After a decade of feeling as if it's entirely possible we've been duped, I think it's only natural to be more than a bit skeptical.

To begin to question everything and everyone involved in this situation.

Especially when we're all too aware of the many folks that don't want this to happen.

Yet, at some point you have to have faith.

In both the people in charge as well as the ongoing process itself and the supposed progress being made towards completing the process.

Think about it. Doesn't matter how long you've been involved in this exchange endeavor, if you're anything like me, then you've yet to see any factual signs of progress.

After hearing words such as Article 140, the HCL Law, new Prime Minister seated, Erbil Arbil Gerbil ramblin' by our monitors for over a decade now, one becomes quite numb to all of that delirium.

Meaning all of the supposed results are just as intangible as the forward progression of the process itself.

As Bruce Springsteen often says, we're runnin' on empty, runnin' blind, unable to see any progress nor the process itself.

He must be a currency holder.

Come to think of it, looking back, hasn't it pretty much been that way since the very start.

Runnin' on faith, believing in the unbelievable.

For the most part none of us had ever been to Iraq.

Yet we were so anxious to connect with someone that had (or had a connection to someone that had) that we were easily swept up by people that continually made claims of having connections in places we could never have imagined.

Were we idiots for believing them? Hmmm... perhaps. Let's hope not.

Believers in the unbelievable? Without a doubt.

And who could blame us.

If you're going to get involved in anything like the RV/GCR and you refuse to believe in the unseen, I wish you all the luck in the world.

You're gonna need it.

This whole thing runs on the unverified and unseen.

Believing in the unbelievable is key to surviving this journey.

So at this point in the process we're pretty much stuck believing that the people in charge of this RV/GCR thing, whomever they may be, have only the best of intentions.

Believing that they're working with much more intelligence and knowledge than we tend to give them credit for.

Or at the very least hoping they are well aware of Google and aren't afraid to use it.

Who knows, they might be just like us.

Fed up with the seemingly endless broke weekends and want this done and completed just as much as we do.

Perhaps even more.

They've still got time to get this done.

Let's hope this is a season of miracles after all.

And let's hope our Christmas in July Bonus isn't just enrollment in another year of the RV/GCR "Rumor Of The Month" Club.

The global economy ain't got time for that.

And neither do we.

Hang in there folks and keep on believin' in the unbelievable.

Kindly,

Dr. Dinar

Disclaimer: Please consider everything in this post as my opinion. I’m not a professional Wealth Advisor, CPA, Tax Attorney, 'Rumor Of The Month' Club Salesman, etc.. I’m simply someone that chooses to believe in the unbelievable, including but not limited to, the possibility that they truly do want to get this thing done. Be sure to consult a professional for any financial decisions you make now and in the future.

Saturday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  The New Dentures

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

Mot:  Much better excuse than "my dog ate my homework" ...

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose on my Daddy's tush!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

************

Mot: .. ((( fer the Guys ONLY ))) - Only at Joes Bar & Grill!! ~~~~

Mot:  Ya Haven't Heard of any UFO Alien Abductions Lately - HUH - Heres Why!! ~~~

Mot: ... On That Rare Occasion ~~~

Mot: ... Poor Doggie! -- and He saw it on TV - too! ~~~

Mot:  ... an Awareness on Training Your Fur Babies! ~~~~~

Tuesday Night "Bits and Pieces" From Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  "To the man in line behind me at the Gainesville Target”

"To the man in line behind me at the Gainesville Target, who saw that after hitting my grocery budget limit I decided to put back my Pumpkin Spice candle and the makeup I had picked out,

You didn't know that I always save my stuff for last and usually end up putting it back.

You didn't know that the two fussy kids I had with me, were only two out of four.

You didn't know that I have postpartum depression from the youngest babe and that I use scent as a way to boost my mood.

You didn't know that this week has been full of sick kids, parent-teacher conferences, and emergency dental visits and I was so looking forward to lighting that candle at nap time and just taking a minute to relax.

Even without knowing that, you saw me.

You saw me as a human, not just the mom in front of you that was distracted and going way too slow.

 You heard me say that I'd like to put those items back and you said you were getting them.

You didn't take no for an answer.

You told me I deserved it when I started to tear up.

You, Sir, are the good in the world. You made my day, probably my week, and I WILL pay it forward. Thank you so much for your kind heart and words."

Credit: Erin Bennett

Mot:  . He Had a Large Pond in the Back ~~~~~

Mot: .. Getting the ""Wee Folks"" ready fer da Sun! ~~~~

Mot:  .... Needs an Answer - he Does - on that Marital Thingy!! ~~~

Mot:  Ireland's newest visitor attraction and also the highest slide.....Beyond the Trees! – Avondale

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2gy4CSHo7o

Saturday Night "Kicks and Grins" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot: . the Cardiologist and Motorcycle mechanic ......

So… A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?” The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix’em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it while it’s running.”

Mot: Kid Writes A Letter Home After Joining The Marines.

This Kid Writes A Letter Home After Joining The Marines. This is gold!

By  Jessica Jones

Their kid joined the marines and the parents were anticipating a letter in order to know how their child was doing. When they finally received one it quickly went viral. This is definitely a must read!

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

****************

Mot: .. ooooooooh - Let the Summer Games Begin! ~~~

Mot:  . Why these are My Pets!! ~~

Mot:  oooooh lordy! ~~ teaching the English Language - wellll – LOL  gruesome

Mot:  .. Hoping this is a Joke - but _ Fraid knot!!! Misspellings

Actual Complaints From Dissatisfied Customers

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

"Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT 7-11-2022

TNT:

Mot:  ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 **************

Mot:  Yeppers. - More insight on that Marital Thingy! ~~

Mot:  . and yet Another Awareness Insight into that Marital thingy! ~~

Mot: . Special Tip for that Marital Thingy! ~~~~

Mot:  in therapy! ~~~ siiggghhhhhh 

Mot: . Those ever Ending Chalenges of a Relationship! ~~ 

Some "Blasts From the Past" While we are Waiting

Old Expressions

There are some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don’t touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker just to straighten up and fly right.

Hubba-hubba! We’d cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers lane.

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpin Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China !

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?

Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isnt anymore.

Like Washington Irving’s Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonneguts Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, I’ll be a monkeys uncle! or This is a fine kettle of fish!

We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind. We blink, and they’re gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ  grinders monkey.

Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Pshaw.

The milkman did it. Think about all those starving kids in China. Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston . The very idea! It’s your nickel. Dont forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defense. Fiddlesticks!

You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. Ill see you inthe funny papers. Dont  take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we go (not to mention humunah, humunah, humunah!)

Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had liver pills.  This can be disturbing stuff,

This winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our hearts deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.

We, of a certain age, have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child, each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.

We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.

Its one of the greatest advantages of aging. We can have our cake and eat it, too.

See ya later, alligator!   

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got  boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill &  Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my  husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink  it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said  Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner  (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -  George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen  Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself;  he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew  Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho  Marx

"Inspiration and Chuckles" Saturday Night by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  ”Proud mom moment! Big hearted employee

Matthew worked this evening and a homeless gentlemen walked in the restaurant with .50 cents and asked if there was anything on the menu he could buy.

Matthew asked him what he would order if he could and the man said anything would help his hunger pains. So Matthew rung him up for a hearty meal and then used his own debit card to pay for the mans meal. He handed him the receipt and told him to relax and take a seat.

The story could end there and It would be a happy ending, but apparently a women watched my son during his random act of kindness. Not only did she write the company to let them know about the caring employee they had working for them, she also rewarded my son with a very generous tip!

”So proud to be his mom and I can pat myself on the back knowing that I've played a part in raising this big hearted young man."

What a wonderful young man! Wish there were more like him.

Credit: Michelle Resendez

Mot: the Time When ""Fred"" worked for the Planning Dept. ~

Mot:  . Yet another Suggestion fer that Marital Thingy! ~~

Mot:  .. aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh - the Realities of Life! ~~

Mot:  . May Your Daze ~~~

"Kicks and Grins" From TNT Saturday Night 6-25-2022

TNT:

GoldPeg9:  Government Employees 

Bob and Ray, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking
up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced,
"Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"

Bob and Ray are still working for the Government.

Mot:  "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" ........

THIS IS A KEEPER!

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United

Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably

deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. 

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

 Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

 The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

 The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

 Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,

the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

 Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

The forever innocent smile of a puppy that won his human heart!

****************

𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the time to do it twice.

Don't corner something that is meaner than you.

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

Don't be banging your shin on a stool that's not in the way.

Borrowing trouble from the future doesn't deplete the supply.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Silence is sometimes the best answer.

Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

Mot:  Never P*** off a Woman……

Mot:  ... Ya KNow That Relationship - Marital Thingy!! ~~~

Friday Night Humor While We Wait

Laws not taught in physics class.

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~

THIS IS PRICELESS: ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT 
 
Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir: 

I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? 
 
My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damn passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years.

And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

 Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bulls***! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for s*** sakes. I just want to go and park my a** on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

 Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@& copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government. 

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some a**hole to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile...Hey, you know why we can't smile?  We're totally p***** off! 
 
Signed - An Irate Citizen.

BBQ Responsibilities

Just to clarify responsibilities for summer.

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it’s the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain events are put into motion:

 Routine…
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine….

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…..

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women…

Author – Unknown Woman