Sunday Night “Humor While We Wait” Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  ... Took hammer away from midget - ((( HUH?? )))

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submittd by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget poundng on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

Mot: “Sir, may I see your driver’s license?”

A police officer pulled over a car for speeding and approached the driver’s side window.

Officer: “Sir, may I see your driver’s license?”

Driver: “I don’t have one. Got suspended after my fifth DUI.”

The officer narrowed his eyes. Not good.

Officer: “Alright… can I see the registration for this vehicle?”

Driver: “Not my car. I stole it.”

The officer stiffened. This just got worse.

Officer: “You’re telling me this car is stolen?”

Driver: “Yep. But now that you mention it, I think I saw the owner’s registration in the glove box—right next to my gun.”

Officer: “There’s a GUN in the glove box?!”

Driver: “Yes, sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”

The officer backed away slowly and immediately called for backup. Within minutes, multiple squad cars arrived, lights flashing. The captain himself stepped out, approaching cautiously.

Captain: “Sir, may I see your license?”

The driver shrugged and handed it over. It was valid.

Captain: “And this car? Who does it belong to?”

Driver: “Me, of course. Here’s the registration.”

The captain examined the papers—everything checked out.

Captain: “Would you mind opening the glove box? We were told there’s a gun in there.”

Driver: “Sure, but there’s no gun.”

The officer opened the glove box. Empty.

Captain: “Alright… now, can you pop the trunk?”

The driver complied. The trunk swung open—completely empty. No sign of a body.

The captain turned to his officer, arms crossed. “I don’t get it. This officer said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and a body in the trunk.”

The driver shook his head and smirked.

Driver: “Yeah, and I bet the liar told you I was speeding too!”