"Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT
.TNT:
Mot: The History of Cinco de Mayo......... ((( What YOu Didnt Learn in History Class ))) .........
Did you you know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 bottles of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
... But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great they declared a National Day of Mourning.
The National Day of mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - SINKO DE MAYO.
WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
You need a shot of Tequila!
TNT:
Mot: The History of Cinco de Mayo......... ((( What YOu Didnt Learn in History Class ))) .........
Did you you know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 bottles of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
... But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great they declared a National Day of Mourning.
The National Day of mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - SINKO DE MAYO.
WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?
You need a shot of Tequila!
Mot: .. but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’....
""Fred"" and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year ""Fred"" would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know ""Fred"", but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and ""Fred"" went to the fair, and ""Fred"" said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, '""Fred"" that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
""Fred"" and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to ""Fred"" and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
""Fred"" replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
************
Mot: .. Guess I Might as Well Admit it! ~~~~
Mot: one of the Many Mysterys Ya Have when Raising the ""Wee Folks"" ~~~
Mot: .. LOL - Out of the Mouths of Babes! ~~~~~
Mot: .. Latest Tip fer dat ""Marital Thingy"" ~~
Mot: .. LOL -- Who Can Relate! ~~~~
Sabickford: "A Man Bought a Pocket Taser For His Wife"
.TNT:
Sabickford: This Man Bought A Pocket Taser For His Wife. What Happens Next Is Shocking.
A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
TNT:
Sabickford: This Man Bought A Pocket Taser For His Wife. What Happens Next Is Shocking.
A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.
Some "Warm Fuzzies and Smiles" Posted by Mot at TNT
.TNT
Mot: The Pay it forward effect
“Today a lady and her mother and husband came in to our Home Depot telling us that the insurance company may or may not pay for their little boy’s walker, so they went on the internet and found plans to make one out of PVC pipe.
My store manager heard about this and we went over to them looked at their plans and said, ‘We got this.’ So, we started putting it together told the family to go and enjoy ice cream and come back in an hour.
Other associates started jumping in and when the family came back it was done. Logan walked around with the biggest smile on his face.
When the family tried to pay us, we said, ‘No way this one is on us.’
Thanks to all that help and for being a blessing to this family and to this little guy."
TNT
Mot: The Pay it forward effect
“Today a lady and her mother and husband came in to our Home Depot telling us that the insurance company may or may not pay for their little boy’s walker, so they went on the internet and found plans to make one out of PVC pipe.
My store manager heard about this and we went over to them looked at their plans and said, ‘We got this.’ So, we started putting it together told the family to go and enjoy ice cream and come back in an hour.
Other associates started jumping in and when the family came back it was done. Logan walked around with the biggest smile on his face.
When the family tried to pay us, we said, ‘No way this one is on us.’
Thanks to all that help and for being a blessing to this family and to this little guy."
Mot: An encounter at a gas station written by Nicole Marie Heintz and shared by Love What Matters is spreading like wildfire as it reveals the very depths of God’s mercy and His contagious love.
The post reads:
So I was just on my way to work and I had to stop for gas so I allowed myself some extra time to get to work. When I pulled up to the pump I shut my car off and saw this middle aged man crying looking at the gas pump. I began to wonder what happened with this man and as I got out of my car and looked at him my heart felt like it stopped.
In Apple Valley, Minnesota it is 10 degrees and freezing cold with the wind. This man was wearing flip flops with socks covered in holes. I look at his car and see his wife in the front seat covering her face in her hands and the 2 teenage girls both cuddling under a blanket in the back seat.
I didn’t even think and I went up to the man and said ‘sir is something the matter?’ He looked at me and I could tell he was on the verge of giving up because he didn’t even try to conceal his tears when he said ‘I can’t even provide for my family.’
Without even thinking I put my card in his machine and told him Jesus Christ the Son of God died to provide for you. Fill up. Something, something came alive in him. He was in shock and it was like he forgot how to pump gas.
In that same moment his wife got out of her car, she asked her husband what was going on and he told her I just payed for their gas she started to cry and came around the corner to shake my hand when I saw her pants dirty and torn. I asked her to come to my car.
The airport lost some of my luggage on my way to MInnesota from California and I had to clean out my closet to find stuff to wear and get rid of a lot of stuff all of that stuff that I had yet to give away was sitting in the back seat of the car and in the trunk. I opened up my car and told the lady to take what she wanted.
This lady RAN back to her car. I was so afraid I had just embraced her but a moment later her and her two girls were digging through those clothes layering my sweatshirts and shirts and sweat pants over the worn out clothes they had been wearing.
Soon the father had finished pumping the gas and came over. This attracted a little crowd at the gas station. And some older man gave the family a gift card and another middle aged man gave away his jacket to the father. Never in my life did I think I would see this kind of thing happen at a gas station with a handful of complete strangers.
But it gives me hope. That the love of God can be so contagious. That we are not alone in being the change we want to see in the world. That God’s love is greater than anything and we get to be a part of that love changing lives. And HE always provides!
************
Mot: Anybody else around in the olden days of Picasso??
Mot: ... There is a ""New and Exciting" way to Pay!!! ~~
Mot: Printers can be quite temperamental.....
Mot: .. Yeppers! -- More insight in Raising the ""Wee Folks"" ~
Mot: ... More Insight into that Relationship Thingy! ~~~
Mot: ........ HUH!!???? --- What You Say???? ~~~
"A Womans Week at the Gym" Humor While We Wait
.From Recaps Archives
Since it's quiet today.... Dinarians will have much more time-Post RV, and will be leaving their computers for a new life of fitness and health. Warning: You just may want to start out slowly………..
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my husband purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
From Recaps Archives
Since it's quiet today.... Dinarians will have much more time-Post RV, and will be leaving their computers for a new life of fitness and health. Warning: You just may want to start out slowly………..
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my husband purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines..
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other c*** too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
B***h***was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however,
I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Saturday Night Chuckles Posted By Mot at TNT
.Humor While We Wait:
Mot:Ole and Sven die in a snowmobile accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more.
When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking mead..
The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in total misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves and I want to know why!'
Humor While We Wait:
Mot:Ole and Sven die in a snowmobile accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more.
When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking mead..
The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in total misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves and I want to know why!'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer.
The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and the inhabitants of hell are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl'
**************
Mot: Are YOU REady !!!! 100 Movies Dance Scenes Mashup to Funk !!!!
Mot: ...... Uh Oh! ~~~~~
Mot: An enjoyable hobby
Mot: .. oooooh - Be Sooooo Wary of that Marital Thingy! ~~~
Mot: ... Fer What ever Ales Ya!! ~~~~
Friday Night "Humor While We Wait"
.From Recaps Archives
Humor while we wait~ The Best Time For an RV
Midnight to 2 am est......The business day begins in Iraq
9 am est.........banks are open
12 noon est.....west coast banks are open
3 pm est.....Hawaii banks are open
5 pm est.....banks close
8 pm est.....west coast banks are closed
From Recaps Archives
Humor while we wait~ The Best Time For an RV
Midnight to 2 am est......The business day begins in Iraq
9 am est.........banks are open
12 noon est.....west coast banks are open
3 pm est.....Hawaii banks are open
5 pm est.....banks close
8 pm est.....west coast banks are closed
11 pm est....Hawaii banks close
Sunday 5 pm est....Forex updates
Monday......9 am est...make appt for Tuesday
Tuesday....All banks 'sync'
Wednesday......because they forgot to announce it on Tuesday
Thursday.....because its would be great to be in the bank and have money for the weekend
Friday.........Iraq likes Friday
Saturday.....because we have the day off and could still salvage the broke weekend
Anytime America or Iraq has a holiday on a Monday or Friday.......because Dr. Shabbibi always said he needs the banks closed for three days.
Anytime after the morning prayers and announcements in the Mosque in Iraq
After the lower denominations are are distributed.
Immediately after the rate change is posted on the CBI website
24-72 hours after the button is pushed
After President leaves the country......he can't be in country when it happens
As soon as the 'bad guys' are put in jail and the 'cabal' is dealt with
Anytime now since the 'good guys' took the money away from the cabal
After the Prosperity Packages are delivered
When the Black SUV's leave the gurus alone
Any day ending in y
When purple pigs fly.....
Originally posted by PatrickJane at TNT:
**
Forget Newton and Galileo. Here are the real laws of nature:
1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
....
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.
If you don’t forward this your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.
A Quick Thinker:
A man in a grocery store tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce, but the man persists so the boy says he'll ask his manager.
Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finishes his sentence, he turns to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds, "And the gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approves the deal, and the man goes on his way.
Later the manager says to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from son?"
"Canada, sir, : the boy replies.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?"
The boy says, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and hockey players up there."
"Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No kidding?" the boy replies. "Who'd she play for?"
Saturday Night Easter Eve "Humor While We Wait"
.TNT:
Humor (While we wait) From Recaps Archives
Sabickford: I don't just march to my own drum, I lead the parade
So I was at the Bar last night and the waitress yelled "Anyone Know CPR?" and I said "Hell I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed. Well everyone but this one guy.
Deep thought for the day: When you clean out your vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner
To The non Believers - Go ahead and keep rolling your eyes honey, maybe you'll find a brain back there
Sometimes I just want someone to say," I know it's hard. It's going to be okay. Here's a coffee. And 5 Million Dollars."
I think I'm allergic to Chocolate. My Butt and Thighs are showing definite signs of swelling
TNT:
Humor (While we wait) From Recaps Archives
Sabickford: I don't just march to my own drum, I lead the parade
So I was at the Bar last night and the waitress yelled "Anyone Know CPR?" and I said "Hell I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed. Well everyone but this one guy.
Deep thought for the day: When you clean out your vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner
To The non Believers - Go ahead and keep rolling your eyes honey, maybe you'll find a brain back there
Sometimes I just want someone to say," I know it's hard. It's going to be okay. Here's a coffee. And 5 Million Dollars."
I think I'm allergic to Chocolate. My Butt and Thighs are showing definite signs of swelling
Grant me wine to accept the things I cannot change, Coffee to change the things I can and a opaque mug so my co-workers can't tell the difference
Remember: Don't make old people MAD. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
Men of few words are usually married to women with many of them.
Stupid people are like Glow Sticks. I Wanna Snap 'em and Shake them till the light goes on.
Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw up your hands and Enjoy the Ride.
20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs. Now we have No Hope, No Cash, and No Jobs. Please Lord don't let Kevin Bacon Die.
I always mean what I say….I may not mean to say it out loud but I always mean it.
There are two rules to Success. 1. Never tell everything you know.
I've decided not to have kids. The Kids are taking it really hard.
Burning a bridge takes too long. I prefer explosives!
Parenting: Eating the last three cookies because you have four children.
Kids. They struggle to pronounce words properly. But if they hear a swear word They repeat it perfectly.
Finding Friends with the same mental disorders as you….Priceless!
I decided to reward myself with a well-earned glass of wine after a long week. Then realized it was Tuesday Morning.
Everyone should believe in something. I Believe I should be on the beach drinking margaritas.
The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle of wine, But you should at least check.
I put my symptoms on WebMD and it turns out I just need to be on a beach drinking beer!
Finally My Winter Fat is GONE!!!! I now Have Spring Rolls.
When I'm quiet, people who don't know me think I'm Shy. People who do know me think: "OMG! He's Thinking! Everybody RUN!!!"
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.
Marriage counseling - Because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being a Ass
If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, back off to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Angry people who can't take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to the rest of us who can.
***************
Mot: ~~ and Here YOU Thought YOU Had Issues! ~~
Mot: ..... Soooo Many Uses.. comes only Once a Year!! ~~
Mot: -- HUH???? What You Say????~~~~~
Mot: Be Aware of the Recall in process!! ~~ Here to Help OUt I Is! ~~~
Mot: ..... Sooooooooooo ~~~
Mot: . Now Ya Knows How He Does it All in One Night! ~~
Mot: ..... Working with the Seasoned - ""Wee Ones"" at Easter! ~~
Some "Bits and Pieces" Posted by Mot at TNT
.TNT:
Mot: "No flowers were harmed in the making of this photo ~~~~~~
The rare superbloom that occurred in 2019 in southern California, United States.
A superbloom is a rare desert botanical phenomenon where an exceptionally large amount of wildflowers whose seeds have lain dormant in the desert soil germinate and blossom at roughly the same time. This occurence is associated to a particularly wet rainy season and some specific conditions are required.
The desert must receive rainfall in the autumn, and this rain must penetrate deep into the soil matrix in order to reach a majority of the dormant seeds of flowering plants.
TNT:
Mot: "No flowers were harmed in the making of this photo ~~~~~~
The rare superbloom that occurred in 2019 in southern California, United States.
A superbloom is a rare desert botanical phenomenon where an exceptionally large amount of wildflowers whose seeds have lain dormant in the desert soil germinate and blossom at roughly the same time. This occurence is associated to a particularly wet rainy season and some specific conditions are required.
The desert must receive rainfall in the autumn, and this rain must penetrate deep into the soil matrix in order to reach a majority of the dormant seeds of flowering plants.
In regard to this photo, the photographer Ryan Resatka mentioned, "No flowers were harmed in the making of this photo, the person is standing in an open path and I'm on the edge of a bend from another."
Ryan Resatka
Mot: Sooooo Frustrating When They suddenly Change the Rules on Ya!! ~~~
Mot: Thought I Should Mention that ~~~~
Mot: ... Hmmmmmmm How True! - How True! ~~~~
Mot: . Just Finded the Best Ever! - Hiking Tip!!
Mot: .... Say A Question has Come up on My Gym Thingy!! ~~
"Bits and Pieces" Posted by Mot at TNT 4-7-2022
.TNT:
Mot: "I missed my first flight to LA yesterday and had to catch another. I was so upset, but now I know why! ...............
The Pay it Forward Effect
"I missed my first flight to LA yesterday and had to catch another. I was so upset, but now I know why!
When I finally got to LAX baggage claim, I went to the bathroom and I heard a woman crying. I was wondering if I should say something like, 'It’s gonna be okay,' but I was nervous and she was speaking Spanish so I didn’t know if she’d even understand me.
I left and came back to the bathroom like four times while I was waiting for my bags to come down (full flight), and I heard her say, 'But the bus doesn’t come until tomorrow.'
My heart dropped, so I asked her if she had Zelle or CashApp. She said no. I asked her if I could pay for a hotel until tomorrow and she stopped crying and opened the stall door AND I SAW THE SLEEPING KIDS.
TNT:
Mot: "I missed my first flight to LA yesterday and had to catch another. I was so upset, but now I know why! ...............
The Pay it Forward Effect
"I missed my first flight to LA yesterday and had to catch another. I was so upset, but now I know why!
When I finally got to LAX baggage claim, I went to the bathroom and I heard a woman crying. I was wondering if I should say something like, 'It’s gonna be okay,' but I was nervous and she was speaking Spanish so I didn’t know if she’d even understand me.
I left and came back to the bathroom like four times while I was waiting for my bags to come down (full flight), and I heard her say, 'But the bus doesn’t come until tomorrow.'
My heart dropped, so I asked her if she had Zelle or CashApp. She said no. I asked her if I could pay for a hotel until tomorrow and she stopped crying and opened the stall door AND I SAW THE SLEEPING KIDS.
I felt so happy to help her, knowing I'd just be spending my money on bullsh*t. She rode with me to the Marriott and I got her a room. I’m glad I said something because she was super sweet and appreciative, and she had babies with her."
Mot: ~~ Now ya'll can understand toooo! ~~~~~~
Mot: ~~~~ You will get a Charge out of this un! ~~~~~
Mot: When You Are Faced With Dealing with the REAL Challenges of Life! ~~~~
Mot: Just got back from a trip. Here's what's going to happen now...
Mot: ........ Did Ya Sing it too!!!??? ~~~
Some "Kicks and Grins" Posted by Mot at TNT
.TNT:
Mot: A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not ...the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the ship ?"
TNT:
Mot: A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not ...the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the ship ?"
Mot: Mother Nature would like to apologize for the late arrival of Spring.
Father Time was driving and refused to ask for directions.
************
Mot: ~~ Yet Even More insight into that Marital Thingy! ~~~
Mot: ..... True Love!! ~~~~~ LOL
Mot: . Always Looking for Excercise Tips I Am! ~~~~
Mot: Once Again!!! -- it is Time to ~~~~~~tire air
Mot: Special Skills Needed to Enjoy Ur Sundays - Ya KNows! ~~~~~~
Friday Night "Humor While We Wait"
.Humor While we Wait
This has been verified by some recent research on the Dead Sea Scrolls.
How the Internet Began:
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dos't thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou cans't trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
Humor While we Wait
This has been verified by some recent research on the Dead Sea Scrolls.
How the Internet Began:
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dos't thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou cans't trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
And that's how the Internet began.
~~~~~~~~~~
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals..
NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.