"So, Just What Do You Want For Mother's Day!!!???" From Mot At TNT

TNT

Mot:  So just What Do You Want for Mothers Day!!!???

#1 EXACTLY!

 Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters. — DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) May 12, 2023

 #2 A mom can dream…

 I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother's Day but I hope it's the laundry. — Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 4, 2019

#3 Sounds about right!

 I went to my Mom's house for Mother's Day with a gift and a pie, I left my Mom's house with some junk mail, JCPenney coupons and a different pie. — Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 10, 2021

 #4 We definitely didn’t sleep through that…

 Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.Happy Mother’s Day  — Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 13, 2018

 #5 Exactly…

 Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.  — SpacedMom (@copymama) May 14, 2017

 #6 I’ll have what she’s having…

 This Mother’s Day I would like a very cold hotel room, black out curtains, an Ambien, and no other human being present. Thank you in advance. — Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 30, 2021

 #7 And they’re all huddled in the card aisle…

 Lots of men at Target today discovering that the store layout has changed since last Mother’s Day. — Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 11, 2019

#8 Seriously…

 "What did you get my mom for Mother's Day?" — husbands — Julie Burton (@ksujulie) April 30, 2021

 #9 Wonder if this guy is still alive LOL…

 Letting my wife sleep in a little longer for Mother’s Day before I wake her up to ask what’s for breakfast — Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 12, 2019

 #10 Kid’s got a point…

 4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother's Day.
4: You're only a mom because of me. — James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2017

 #11 Gotta love toddlers…

 Yesterday I explained Mother’s Day to our toddler and this morning he burst into our room singing happy birthday and gave her a cup of cat treats. — The Dad (@thedad) May 9, 2021

 #12 Nothing beats buying your own Mother’s Day card…

 10 proudly showed me the Mother’s Day greeting card she “bought” my wife and when I asked her how she purchased it she said she slipped it to the grocery cashier while my wife was checking out, winked, told the cashier not to tell her about it and then “Mommy paid for it.” — NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) May 5, 2022

 #13 So true – washers and dryers are working overtime the day before Mother’s Day…

 Shout-out to all the moms who went on a Rage Cleaning spree on the day before Mother’s Day, just so you could try to take a day off. You’re my people. — Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) May 12, 2019

 #14 Thank you, now please let me sleep…

 If you’re not awakened by small children lovingly shoving handmade gifts in your face at 6am, is it even Mother’s Day? — Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 13, 2018

 #15 You had me at 9 straight hours…

 All I want for Mother’s Day is to sleep for 9 straight hours, wake up to the sound of coffee brewing and then have my husband say things like, “I’m gonna entertain the kids all day so you can sit on the couch in your pjs and buy your Mother’s Day gift in peace!” — Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 2, 2020

 #16 Exactly…

 Young mom: I hope he plans something nice for Mother’s Day. Experienced mom: I booked my hotel room for Saturday night and will be back late Sunday. — Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) April 23, 2022

 #17 Ah, the classic macaroni necklace…

 Mother's Day is a special day when I get to do the dishes and yell at people to stop making siren noises while I wear a macaroni necklace.— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) May 8, 2016

 #18 That sounds perfect…

 for mothers day i would love to be left in bed with a bag of reeses cups and the remote — That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 5, 2022

 #19 Yessss!!

 Dads on father's day: let's go do something as a family!
Moms on mother's day: Can everyone just not talk to me today or touch me. — Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 9, 2016

 #20 LOL…she wants to make sure she looks GOOD on Facebook, folks!

 My mom said if we are gonna post her then POST HER 😂 pic.twitter.com/TBQnTx1fy1 — Jordan💭 (@jaytheghostt) May 9, 2021

**************

Mot: ..... Hay Mum... Beeee Careful How Ya answers!!! ~~~~

"Kicks and Grins" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  Ferrari Driver Pulls Up Next To A Senior On A Moped, And Can’t Believe His Own Eyes

A doctor goes out and buys the fastest and flashiest car he can find, a brand new Ferrari 488, costing him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 80 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor grins and replies, “A brand new Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 225 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The old moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be… and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him, going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 200 mph.

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old geezer, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 225 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops, jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive!

He runs up to the bruised old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Well son, you can unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

************

Mot: . Siiggghhhhhh - We Just Don't Stand a Chance!! ~~~

Mot:  .. a Few Years Ago... I Thought this was Soooo Dumb - but Now I ....

Mot:  Ya Knows - I Keep Trying! - but this Cooking fer Meself is Really tough! 

Mot: .. Just one more.  Take the chips away

Mot: ...... Happy National Fitness Day!

"Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot: "You need to use 'Big People' words," ..........

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

 Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T."

Mot: Trust Me!! -- its a marital Thingy and She'll be Sooooo Happy

My wife will be coming back home today. I haven't cleaned or done the dishes for a week. Now she'll see that I can't live without her. I'm so romantic!

************

Mot:  Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven. Bit adult

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.

I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest...

**********

Mot:  LOL - My How Things Change as Ya Season!! ~~~~~ Hagar the horrible

Mot: ....... LOL - Had to Share! ~~~~

Mot:  .... ooooh lordy... the Things Folks come up with ! – LOL 

Mot: ... Soooooo When Batman gets Married!! ---

Saturday Night "Kicks and Grins" While we Wait

Old Expressions

There are some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Dont touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. Wed put on our best bib and tucker just to straighten up and fly right.

Hubba-hubba! Wed cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers lane.

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpin Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldnt accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China !

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but whens the last time anything was swell?

Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isnt anymore.

Like Washington Irvings Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonneguts Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, Ill be a monkeys uncle! or This is a fine kettle of fish!

We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth, the words weve left behind. We blink, and theyre gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ  grinders monkey.\

Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Pshaw.

The milkman did it. Think about all those starving kids in China. Bigger than a bread
box. Banned in Boston . The very idea! Its your nickel. Dont forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defense. Fiddlesticks!

You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. Ill see you in
the funny papers. Dont take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And
awa-a-ay we go (not to mention humunah, humunah, humunah!)

Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words
and expressions than Carter had liver pills.  This can be disturbing stuff,

This winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our
hearts deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice,
one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are
swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.

We, of a certain age, have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a
child, each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.

We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there
are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted
their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our
collective memory.\

Its one of the greatest advantages of aging. We can have our cake and eat it, too.

See ya later, alligator!   

TNT:

Mot:  ..... Becoming more and more Seasoned is Sooo Much Fun!!! ~~

CandyKisses:  I THOUGHT GROWING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER

Mot: ... Just Saying!!! ~~~~

Friday Night "Humor While We Wait...and Wait...and Wait " Posted by Mot at TNT

Mot:  .. and Yet another ""VALUABLE Tip"" from Mot of Course!! ~~~~

How To Handle A Scammer ~

I had a call from a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s okay Sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device Sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it’s already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, Sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realise it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet, Sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “Okay, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s okay Sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Um … I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Okay.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

************

Mot:  .... Marital Thingy!! -- Yeppers! - a Marital Thingy!! ~~

Mot:  .... ""Old Is When!! "" ~~~~~

Mot:  .. Now I See You as Little Kids! – LOL

Mot:  . and Study Your Bible! ~~~~~~

"This Man Bought a Pocket Taser For His Wife" Posted by Sabickfod at TNT

TNT:

Sabickford:  This Man Bought A Pocket Taser For His Wife. What Happens Next Is Shocking.

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

 I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about  zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there?

 My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.

Friday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:   A sexy Irish blonde at a casino ,seemed a little intoxicated......

She bet £20,000 pound in a single roll of the dice.

She said"I hope you don't mind I feel luckier in the nude".

With that she removed all her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-

"Come on baby,mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop She jumped up and yelled

"Yes,yes I won...I won...." 

She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left.

The dealers gazed at each other dumbfounded, finally one of them asked "what number rolled on the dice?"

 The other replied "I don't know I thought you were watching".

 Moral of the story

 -not all drunks are drunk

-not all blondes are dumb

Mot:  Husband Banned From Store For Hilarious Reasons

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

April 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

May 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

Jun 14: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

July 19: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

July 24: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

October 16: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

Nov 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

Nov 11: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

Nov 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Mot:  Man Comes Home Drunk Thinking His Wife Will Explode, but What Happened Instead Is ........

Mot: ........ Warning!! - with Easter Coming up ! ~~~~

"Humor While We Wait " Posted by Mot at TNT

Mot:  A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him,

A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …..

Mot:   Two Servicemen Were Out Checking Gas Meters …Suddenly They Started Running Away, The Reason Why Is Hilarious!

Two gas company service men, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood.

They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.\

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck,
They realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.

They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied,

“When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

************

Mot:  An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
‘Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

Mot:  ....... Siigggghhhhhhhhhhh!!! ~~~~~~

Not:  ..... Karma!! -- Just Love Karma! - LOL ....

CandyKisses:  THE MORE I LEARN ABOUT PEOPLE......

Sunday Night "Kicks and Grins" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  A father passing by his son's bedroom noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

 I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Josh

 P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

*************

Mot:  Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling around the nurse insert the thermometer. He heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out.

He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. 

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

************

 Mot: ... The Rules of Marriage-Jeff Foxworthy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_g3uqin8Ck

Mot:  ... Raising the ""Wee Folks"" Takes a Lot of Thinking! -- LOL

Mot: ..... Just so You Know.. ur Not alone!! ~~~~

Mot .... Soooo Ur having a Bad Day - Hmmmmmmm ~~~

"Humor While we Wait, and Wait and WAIT....posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anyone in here who can ..............

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anyone in here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all ten of the pint glasses downing them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer, as the Texan looks on in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If you don’t mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.

The Irishman replies, “Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

Mot:  .......... Beer trouble shooting chart ...........

Mot: TODAY, I WAS A HERO

Mot: . Now Why Didnt I Think of This sooner!!! 

Mot:  ....... Finally - the Truth Comes OUt!! ~~~~

Mot: ...... Uh OH!!!! ~~~~~

Mot: .. Chuck Norris - FINALLY Admitted that he ~~~

Mot:  ... ooooh ..... ooooh ..... ooooh ....

"Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

 The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

 One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

 The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

 "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

************

Mot:  Irish Sunday School

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,

'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my  money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'. I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE DEAD.SILLY..."

Mot: ... dang! - guess its True... Ya start to look like Ur Pets!! ~~

Mot: Siigghhhh - went on Safari! Flock of elephants

Mot:  .. They Know - they are sneaky --