Humor While We Wait...and Wait...and Wait Some More......LOL

From Recaps Archives

Humor While We Wait:

Sabickford:  Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.

The best revenge is massive success

Even Duct Tape Can't Fix Stupid - But it Can Muffle the Sound

When someone asks what I did over the weekend I squint and ask "Why what did you hear?"

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it he will. There is no need to pester him about it every 6 months

I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed, my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very Dangerous.

If there was a way to read a woman's mind I'm not sure I'd want to. I hate shoes, shopping, gossip and I already know that I am Annoying.

Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I did something wrong. I can't wait to find out what it was.

You Can't buy Happiness But You Can Buy Wine And that's kind of the same thing

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference

I Do not have a screw loose. It fell Out!

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a shovel, duct tape, rope, and a tarp and no one questions your motives.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Lead Me Not Into Temptation, I Can Find The Way Myself

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you

Life is too short to drink Cheap Wine

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

To all trolls - Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Thanks to the people who walked in to my life and made it better. And Thanks to the ones who walked out of my life and made it amazing.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what's going on, and now I have to Pee.

This has been verified by some recent research on the Dead Sea Scrolls.

How the Internet Began:

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dos't thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou cans't trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

 To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that's how the Internet began.

*****************

TNT:

Teaspot:  What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.

What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars? ......... Dogerpillers.

What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.

What's the award for being best dentist? A little plaque.

What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The guardians of the Galaxy.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!

Why do ghosts love elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.

What's the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.

What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? .......................Just follow the fresh prints!

What did the clock do when it was hungry? .................................It went back four seconds.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? ~~~~~~~~~~~~A can't opener.

What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? ........... Anna one, Anna two

A Mother's Dictionary

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms (Dads, aunts, uncles, grandparents ect....) reading this.....hope it makes you smile.....

A Mother's Dictionary

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning

"BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

 JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-m‚chÈ volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends."

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMMY!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

 UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Humor While We Wait- "Judge At A Chili Cook-off"

From Recaps Archives …..Humor while we wait

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.
 
Man Gets Selected To Be A Judge At A Chili Cook-Off.

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in...

I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
 
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
 
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
 
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
 
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
 
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
 
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.
 
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
 
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
 
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
 
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
 
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
 
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
 
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
 
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No report.

More "Humor While We Wait" On a Quiet Friday Night

You know you're a redneck Jedi when..

You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

We have all been there......but this description is beyond pricless....have you laughed today???.

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'which comes in a box larg e enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.

 I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Humor While We Wait "Adult Truths"

 ** Adult Truths ***

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever..

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
  
24. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.

25. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit  Laughing!         
 
Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.  

Enjoy life!!!

"A Source is a Source" by Dr. Dinar

A Source Is A Source  By Dr. Dinar

We've all heard the song "Whatever Gets You Thru The Night" by the amazing John Lennon.

Combined with the talent of Elton John on backup vocals and piano, that song had all the ingredients.

A recipe for a "win" if ever there was one.

After nearly a decade on this journey to the RV/GCR, it's pretty much come down to just that.

Whatever it takes to help get you through the night and on to the next day.

The next week... the next month.

To simply hang in there, especially during the toughest of times.

When hanging in there feels like the last thing you have the strength to do.

Yet somehow we all have to muster the strength to hang in there and cross that finish line, shoe box full of funny money held high overhead.

Having received yet another email "update" pertaining to the latest going's on in Dinarland, I commented to a friend.

A friend who has been involved in this thing even longer than I have, on how this or that Guru had lost not only their luster, but their believability as well.

For me, anyway.

After years of hearing the exact same intel, post after post after post, there comes a point where the definition of insanity begins to weigh heavy on your mind.

And you begin to question your own sanity most of all.

Through the process of attrition, over time you begin to whittle away at your list of "sources" that you allow into your sphere of influence.

And those that have earned a "No Access" pass.

I know my List has dwindled to the point of not even needing a list.

It's highly likely we all have trust issues revolving around this endeavor.

After all, it's been 8 or 9 years since we first heard the UST was in lockdown.

Cell phones taken away, eating delivered pizzas and sleeping on cots.

No one allowed to leave until it's signed, sealed and printed in the Gazette.

And try as we might to believe it, here we still sit, poor and pizzaless.

Is this RV/GCR thing for real or is it just like your brother in law's second cousin's Barber told him it was from the very start.

A scam, simply too good to be true.

Even though, deep down we all know in our hearts this RV/GCR thing is indeed real, I have a feeling that at one point or another we've all questioned our own sanity, wondering if "they" were right after all

Her response to me concerning who to pay attention to and whose info to let go of wasn't a shock to me by any means.

I've known all along that we  tend to disagree on whose source is right and whose is wrong.

Which Guru is to be believed and which isn't.

After all, they've all made predictions at one time or another and most are sitting with a strong 99.9% average.

Unfortunately, that's in the "strongly wrong" column.

That's not to say that some of their "stuff" isn't true and correct.

Chances are they all bring a nugget or two of truth in what they post.

But I wish you the best of luck in deciphering which is which and what is where and who is when.

Especially at this point of the game, where nearly everybody is in "Zip Your Lips" NDA mode.

Mostly because nearly everything that either has or hasn't happened isn't able to be verified, yay or nay.

Mostly because the Lamestream Media isn't a trust based point of reference, overflowin' with integrity.

Between you and me, if I saw (or read) in the regular news that the sky was blue, I'd immediately make an appointment with an optician, in hopes of determining if I was indeed color blind or not because honestly, the sky looks blue to me as well.

And that would scare me.

Like they say, trust but verify.

And knowing we can't trust the "normal" news, the next logical choice would be the "not so run of the mill behind the scenes" news sources.

Which, to be honest, when someone labels them as Conspiracy Theorists, I tend to view them with even more credibility than their Nightly News counterparts.

That's not to say the Intel gatherer's, the so called Guru's, haven't played a very important part in all of this.

Because I for one believe they've played an extremely important part in keeping 95% of us in the game.

Regardless of whether that was their intention or not.

Chances are very high that had we not had anything to chew on all these years, nothing to keep our flames burning ever so brightly, many of us would have sold out and jumped ship long ago.

So for that alone we are eternally grateful.

For those choosing to rely solely on a foundation based upon their own research, knowing the world will never survive on its current path without a complete makeover of the global economic infrastructure, the intel flowing throughout Dinarland won't play as large a role in their hanging on.

But I have strong doubts that even for those "knowledge based" folks among us, that the length of this journey hasn't at one time or another caused them to question their own belief structure in some way.

It's only natural.

After all, many, if not most "facts" are simply rumors repeated again and again.

How many times have we heard the rate will be in the budget.

They are waiting on to HCL.

Or Article 140 still needs to settled.

That everything will... wait for it... be printed in the Gazette and then announced in the Mosques.

Like a thousand?

And yet, even to this day it still continues to be the news.

Even worse, people are still falling for it.

Big name people no less.

Anyway, back to my friends response, which was nearly opposite to my thoughts.

Meaning those Guru's that I no longer pay any attention to, she tends to believe in the best in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Not that she doesn't believe the one or two I pay any attention to, but she's more of an equal opportunity employer.

Choosing to believe they all bring something good to the table, in one form or another.

While I don't share her opinion on some points, at some level I can't help but applaud her openmindedness.

I wish I still held a bit of that brand newish "it's goin' down tonight" feeling.

I lost most of that on my way down to Jaded Avenue.

I'm sure there are many folks out there that can relate to this very situation.

Not in agreement with their family or friends as to the who's, how's, what's, why's and when's of this thing.

Only in the knowing that it must happen.

That it WILL happen.

And without a doubt, the sooner, the better.

I say all this in hopes of letting everyone know that there are others out there that share your thoughts.

Whatever they may be.

That feel the same way you do.

And that we're all on this amazing journey together, basically with one thing in mind.

To reach the finish line, sanity intact.

So, whatever "source" it is helping you to remain positive, enabling you to remain in the game, despite everything around you saying run, as fast as you can, in any direction, at the end of the day a source is a source.

Unless, of course... well, you know the rest.

Hang in there folks.

The signs are everywhere that we're really gettin' close.

Kindly,

Dr. Dinar

Disclaimer; I'm not a Wealth Manager, Financial Advisor, CPA, Tax Attorney, RV/GCR Committee member, nor am I the owner of the Yellowstone Ranch or a believer in talking horses. I'm simply someone that chooses to believe in the power of positive thinking and on the odd chance this thing truly is real, I want to make sure I'm there at the finish line to enjoy it.

From Recaps Archives

Friday Night "Fun From Mot" at TNT 3-12-2021

TNT:

Mot:  Men In Heaven

When everybody on earth passed on and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,

"I want the men to make two lines:

One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line,

"You men should be ashamed of yourselves , I created you to be the head of your household!

You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!

Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man,

"How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied,

"My wife told me to stand here."

************

Mot:  Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

************

Mot:  ~~~ More Things that Keep Me Awake at Nite!!! ~~~~ from Mot of Course!! ~~~

Mot:  Always Important to Not Feed the Wildlife... for example ~~~~

Mot:  ~~~ fer Those Who Need to Know fer Ur Diet!!! ~~~

Humor While We Wait.....and Wait.......and Wait............

Humor While We Wait:

TNT:

MOT:  "Why God Made Moms "

( The following answers were given by elementary school children

to the following questions )

Question----"Why Did God Make Mothers?""

The answers:

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

Q-----"How Did God Make Mothers?"

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Q----"What Ingredients Are Mother's Made Of ?"

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.

Q----"Why Did God Give You Your Mother And not Some Other Mom?"

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

Q----"What Kind Of Little Girl Was Your Mom?"

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff...

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

Q----"What Did Mom Need To Know About Dad Before She Married Him?"

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Q----"Why Did Your Mom Marry Your Dad ?"

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Q----"Who's The Boss At Your House?"

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

Q----"What's The Difference Between Moms And Dads?"

1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

Q----"What Does Your Mom Do In Her Spare Time?"

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

Q----"What Would It Take To Make Your Mom Perfect?"

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

Q----"If You Could Change One Thing About Your Mom What Would It Be?"

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

************

Mot:  ""What are You Doing?? "" ~~~

From MarkZ’s Chat:

Sabickford:  Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Life was simpler when we could play a game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Quoting one is plagiarism” ‘Quoting many is research’

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain has given hope to many people.

I could really go for a glass of wine and a million dollars.

When people cut you down or talk behind your back remember, they took time out of their pathetic lives to think about you.

My brain is experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by…

You're not drunk until you have to grab onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

Note to my Brethren with pregnant women in their life: do not, Repeat , do NOT refer to their speed walk as a "Turbo Waddle". I am not a smart man

I'm not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces from now and then.

Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.

I paid my 15 year old $10 to do the dishes. Then, on his way to the bathroom, I mugged him because it's my job to teach him lifes lessons

I really wish "common Sense" would make a come-back

I do have a serious side you know. I keep it out on the back porch in a cage and feed it crackers.

You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out of.

I'm returning your nose dear! I found it in my business.

You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what you did.

The phrase "Ignore is and it will go away." does not apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars. Trust me on this one.

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend

It's a SCIENTIFIC Fact: Never tell a woman that she's crazy unless you really want to see crazy.

Children are often spoiled because no-one will spank Grandma

Not only is my short-term memory horrible, but so is my Short-term memory.

If you haven't grown up by age 50 - YOU DON"T HAVE TO!!!!!

Here's my resignation from adulthood. From now on all decisions will be made by rock, paper, scissors, and all arguments will be handled by sticking my tongue out at the other person.

You know you should go to sleep when the sheep you are counting are starting to hit the fence.

Might wake up early and go running. I also might win the lottery. Odds are about the same.

It's not a hangover…It's Wine Flu

I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer?  I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

"Enough Talk-Let's See Some Action!" by Dr. Dinar

Thank you Dr. Dinar!!!

Enough Talk... Let's See Some Action! by Dr. Dinar

I don't know about you but I'm pretty much done.

To the point where I'm done hearing it's done.

As in everything's done.

Done... duh duh duh DONE!

Like, really done.

Done to the point where there's nothing left to do.

Nothing left to do because it truly is done.

That's definitely closer to my definition of the word done.

Admittedly, I like everything I eat to be well done.

Even to the point of refusing to eat Sushi unless it's well done.

So, perhaps I'm a bit more demanding when it comes to the true definition of the word done.

Nevertheless, it shouldn't be all that difficult to determine the difference between done and close to done but not actually done, therefore it's not done.

First place to start might be with the persistent rumors continually permeating all throughout Dinarland.

Rumors of everything being done.

How long have we been hearing that.

Seems to me, according to my Dinarland calendar, it's been done for at least the last two years.

And yet, here we are.

Not done.

Would we be hearing all these rumors if indeed everything truly were done?

Not likely.

On second thought, we might still be drowning in rumors but chances are they'd have a more post-process, after the GCR kind of feel to them as opposed to the same ol' this is our week or it's gonna pop this Saturday night or we're only expecting to do one more call, our Celebration call kinda rumors.

So please, don't get me wrong.

I'm not expecting Dinarland to go completely rumorless overnight.

i mean, let's not get crazy here.

But wouldn't it be nice to hear a different batch of rumors for a change.

An extremely welcome change to say the least.

Well, I for one would certainly love it anyway.

Even better yet, I'd enjoy seeing that it's done based solely on the number of zero's in my bank account.

That's the kind of proof I'd enjoy seeing.

As it is now I'm still unable to make a trip through the In-N-Out drive thru and order a Double Double with grilled onions, well done, and have any means of paying for it when it's done cookin', all wrapped up and ready for release.

Until that day comes, it's still not done.

And while I'm on the subject of phrases I can hardly wait to never hear again, let's start with it CAN happen today.

Sheesh, give it a rest.

As far as I'm concerned it could've happened any day over the past one thousand days.

Yes, I'm more than aware that they needed to reinvent the current banking system to accept the GCR formula as well as numerous other changes required to release the GCR.

But you get my drift.

Enough with the talk.

I'm ready for some action.

I want to know it WILL happen!

As in today.

Or any other day ending in "y".

Even better yet, I'd love to hear that IT HAS HAPPENED!

As in past tense, check your emails, make your appointment, grab your "To Go" bag and get to the Exchange Center ASAP!

Is that too much to ask.

Just a factual confirmation of completion, in whatever form it comes.

Be it an email, a barrage of posts all throughout Dinarland or a Piper Cub draggin' a giant banner across the sky with a 1-800-CALLNOW number plastered on it.

At this point, I'm not about to be picky.

I'm open to most any form of communication.

Make it a fortune cookie.

Why not a clever saying on a Starbucks cup.

Heck, at this point I'll settle for a homing pigeon with a Post-it note taped to its leg.

What I'm trying to say is I'm flexible.

Whatever it takes, just send me a for real signal of this thing having reached the end of the line.

Of actually reaching a conclusion.

Actually being concluded.

As in DONE.

Talk is cheap.

No more rumors.

We don't need any more stinkin' rumors, regardless of whose super secret source supplies 'em.

We need action.

Action, leading to results.

Results resulting in our receiving our exchange instructions.

I've pretty much had enough of the boy crying wolf.

To the point where I'm ready to sic the wolf on him and let him eat, just to get the kid to shut up.

As I mentioned earlier, enough already.

We've lived through the rumor stage of this adventure for far too long.

It's time to begin the action phase.

As we've always been told, actions speak louder than rumors.

And after all, isn't that exactly what a rumor is.

A bunch of words lined up in the form of a sentence, completely void of all action.

In other words, just words.

And words don't pay the bills.

So to whomever it may be that's supposedly working feverishly on completing the GCR, forever claiming we're close, please feel free to call it "close enough" and dispatch the "GO" email ASAP!

And to those out there rumored to still be throwin' wrenches, please feel free to close the lid on your toolboxes and call it a day.

You have to know when enough is enough.

And let's face it, enough is enough.

We all know this GCR thing is going to happen eventually, the rest of the world has committed to it.

Why not do the right thing by all involved and go ahead and release it.

Then we can all move on to something much more interesting.

Like life beyond Dinarland.

Hang in there folks.

According to the latest rumors, we're right on top of this thing and it has to happen soon.

If not, the entire global economy will crash.

And supposedly they don't want that to happen.

Or do they.

Who knows what they want.

Who even knows who "they" are.

Chances are they don't even know who they are, nor what they want.

Maybe that's why they can't seem to get anything accomplished.

They have no idea what it is they're supposed to be doing.

This thing is so compartmentalized that they forgot to create the "GO Signal"  Department.

At this point, anything's possible.

Anyway, don't let the rumors get you down.

Just do your best to hang in there, no matter what it takes.

Kindly,

Dr. Dinar

Disclaimer; I'm not a Wealth Manager, Financial Advisor, CPA, Tax Attorney, RV/GCR Committee member, a Federale of the Spanish Mounted Police, nor am I in search of the treasure of the Sierra Madre. I'm simply someone that chooses to believe in the power of positive thinking and on the odd chance this thing truly is real, I want to make sure I'm there at the finish line to enjoy it.

Humor While We Wait- From Maxine

Humor while we wait: 

“Quotes from Maxine….Life, Love and Losers”

“I just tried to book a makeover.  They said they’d call me when the parts come in!”

“My brain’s not on vacation anymore…but it does seem to be considering an early retirement!”

“Your golden years are a time to start asking yourself life’s big questions…Like, “Now why did I come into this room? I knew a minute ago!”

“My favorite coffee flavor?....Under- a -dollar flavor!”

“I’ve got the ergonomic office chair…but, this job’s still a pain in the butte!”

“When the going gets tough……eat more fiber!”

“Going to work would be easier if I stayed in bed for a living!”

“Let your conscience by your guide……and you will never have any fun!”

“ Remember: Two Wrongs don’t make a right….It takes two wrongs a shin kick and a prank phone call!”

“I like to think of each day as a new mountain to be climbed, a new river to be crossed, a new neighbor to be mooned!”

“The only time I make a splash at a party is when I put more ice cubes in my drink!”

“TV is like a book you can sleep through!”

“Here’s a tip…If you have hot flashes you’re too old for hot pants!”

“You are welcome to kiss the cook. Guess where?”

“Ever get your fast food, and kinda wish they’d taken their time?”

“I tried getting away from it all…most of it followed me!”

“Every once in a while the girls get together for a brunch…that’s a cross between a brawl and a punch!”

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore indefinitely!”

“I have an 8 to 5 job….Unfortunately it comes with a 10 to 2 paycheck!”

“ I work in a big office…..The conference room sleeps thirty!”

“They say that truth is inside you….That must be what’s giving acid reflux!”

“The Journey of 10 feet begins with a single “Where’s the $#%&^*!@ remote!”

“You can lead a horse to water…If you want the water to smell like horse for the rest of the day!”

“I applied for a loan, but the bank had zero percent interest.”

“I feel like I’ve left my mark on the world…..a scar is a type of mark, right?”

“In life there’s no free lunch…Unless you crash a wedding reception…then there’s free cake and booze too!”

“Reach for the stars….It keeps your chest from sagging!”

“I love soap operas…They make me feel so….what’s the word-Normal!”

“Love is in the air…in case you are wondering what that smell was!”

“Catch and release” is pretty much my policy when it comes to dating too!”

“The women in romance novels ought to throw a fit instead of heaving a bosom!”

“Romantic gestures are not my speciality…..driving gestures….sure!”

“If men are from Mars,  we need to find the bozo who supplied them with spaceships!”

“Looking for a hot date?  Pick any date in August…They don’t get much hotter than that!”

“I like to think of make-up as just another way to lie to men!”

“I’m what they call a “natural woman”….which just means “Not rich enough to get implants!”

“Men are only good for one thing…but, then you have to feed them between car repairs!”

“They say it’s not over till it’s over….Wow, I wonder how long it took ‘em to figure that one out?”

“When people ask me what I do, I say I’m in manufacturing…If they ask what kind, I tell them I make trouble for people who ask too many questions!”

“A single red rose says, “I love you” ….a window box of headless carnations says “Keep your dog in your own yard!”

“My boss asked me to take an anger management class this year…I told him I’m angry enough with management as it is!”

“You can tell Hollywood is full of environmentalists…they keep recycling the same plots!”

“Interesting coincidence…I have firewood, and the neighbor is missing an Adirondack chair!”

“It’s not the heat…It’s the boneheads who keep saying it’s not the heat!”

“I keep a well stock pantry in case friends drop by….I could hide in there for days!”

“I’m not sure that good things come to those who wait….but, I’ve noticed that bad things happen to people who cut in front of me in the express lane!”

“Instead of blogging about your life…try getting one!”

“Personally, I think conservatives and liberals should move toward the middle of the road….Makes it easier to run ‘em over!”

“It’s tough being a Congressman….try patting yourself on the back with both hands in constituents pockets!”

“ All my co-workers have great tans….Especially on their noses!”

“Riding the bus saves gas and helps the environment…plus, what other mode of transportation gives you so many chances to tell people where to get off?”

“ The only thing worse then seein’ a baseball player scratch himself on TV, is knowing he probably earned a couple grand while doing it!”

“The early worm may get the worm…but the night owl gets the tequila!”

The Difference Between Men and Women

Humor while we wait:

The Difference Between Man and Woman!

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE (Have you Smiled Today?)

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.

• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.

• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.

• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals..

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.

• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!